Before you think about leaving a relationship, it’s a good idea to abandon some of the tenets of romantic love that still structure the way we love. We consider ourselves modern and recognize that there is no such thing as “happily ever after” or “half an orange,” but few of us free ourselves from the dynamics that suffocate our bonds, and often we choose to do so.
At the beginning of every relationship there is a kind of “prison romanticization”, living under the atmosphere of “two of us and the cabin”. Falling in love, we quit philosophy courses, canceled trips with friends, quit working overtime at work for a future promotion…all to make room for our current love.
We have unknowingly reproduced the platonic idea of fused love, as if it were emotional revenge for the castration that Freud described as inevitable, and experienced it many times when we realized that we were not everything to the person we loved. There’s something numbing about being someone’s priority. It rekindles the illusion of perfection, our lost paradise.
But once the golden months of falling in love pass, everyday life becomes overburdened with work, children, bills, elderly parents, and tired bodies. And we have less and less time for ourselves and for nurturing our relationships. Adhering to the logic that love is thinking about “we” before “me,” we establish a relationship based on a reciprocal relationship of renunciation. “I’ll give up my career so we can change the city and you can grow as a professional, but I want you to give up surfing trips with your friends.”
This creates a negative spiral. No one does what you want anymore, the time you spend together isn’t as good as it used to be, you get frustrated, you give up more and more things to try to make the relationship better, and the closer you get to life, the poorer the relationship becomes, the more you feel resentful. We’re poor because if we don’t have time to breathe, we become uninteresting people. Every renunciation “out of love” comes with the expectation that the other person will do the same, which is resentful. In this scenario, the only form of freedom would seem to be to free oneself from the marriage, but perhaps one would be invited to live more freely within the marriage.
But to do this, you need to free yourself from another captivity. The idea is that you have to row in the same direction to get there. After all, where are you going? And what if everyone wants to explore different banks of the river? Maybe you want to invest in experiences now instead of saving money to buy a home in the future. Perhaps you want to return to your studies and discover a new culture, while your partner wants silence and routine. As we grow up believing that love “follows the same script,” we start “emotional arm wrestling” trying to draw the other person into our version of the story, which ends up making the seas rougher than we imagined. In love, the survival of couples lies in understanding that we are more kaleidoscopes than rowboats. We morph with the flow of life and do not always match our desires. that’s ok.
As long as you have the courage to name and take responsibility for your own desires, and the abandonments and consequences of your actions, rather than blaming others for their empty lives, you’ll be fine. This reminds me of the movie Anatomy of a Fall (please watch it if you can). During an argument in which the husband blames his wife for his professional and personal crises, she replies, “You complain about the life you have chosen. But I’m not the one who put you in your place. Like I said, you’re not sacrificing yourself. You’re trying to stay on the sidelines because you’re scared and your pride is causing your head to explode before you can come up with a good idea. And now you wake up at 40 and have someone to blame.
Just like him, we often blame our partners for our frustrations and limitations. The consequences of choices that may have once made sense weigh heavily today. Instead of continuing to play the blame game, why not discuss and embrace the discomfort and the need to find new ways within this kaleidoscope?
It is not relationships that suffocate us, but surrendering our own desires in the name of love. You’re outsourcing your stuff, saying, “I’m doing it for him,” or “I’m doing it for the relationship.” And while outsourcing seems noble, it is childish. Therefore, to be true to your couple’s love, free yourself to establish a space that is true to your own desires. It is a moment in which each person can be whole, without guilt, without confusing personal pleasure with omission. Autonomy is not selfishness. Learn to say no to your mother-in-law’s lunch in favor of going out alone with friends, going to a show you want to see, or attending a Sunday yoga class. When the other person seeks pleasure outside, in people, hobbies, projects, etc., it’s not a lack of love, it’s a question of oxygen. Freedom in love is not about severing ties, but about leaving space for two worlds to coexist without fear of losing each other.
Also, if you have any dilemmas or questions about emotional relationships, please email us at columnamorcronico@amorespossiveis.love. We answer questions here every Wednesday.
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